I should be the boss when I get married
because my mom is the boss and it works out really well.
I like this one boy, Kevin.
He likes me back. I don't know why.
* All right!
* Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
Okay, remember that the garbage goes out on Tuesday
and if you see a man in the bushes,
it's probably just the gardener,
so please don't call 911 again.
Oh, and I put backup toilet paper in all the bathrooms
because I won't be here to rescue you when you start yelling,
"Joy! TP, now!"
I'm just trying to save us all the embarrassment
of me shuffling across the hall to the linen closet.
I'm so excited that Allison agreed to spend spring break with me
instead of moping in her dorm
over that loser pottery guy dumping her.
Yeah, I didn't want to say anything at the time,
but his fingernails were filthy.
Good riddance.
All right. I think I can handle it from here.
I'll call you when I land. Love you.
I love you, too.
I'll miss you.
That's ridiculous.
Ridiculous?
Look, Joy. I love you and you love me.
But let's not go overboard. We've been married for 20 years.
I can go six days without seeing you.
I mean, in colonial times,
it would take you that long just to get bacon.
Go ahead. Have fun, you kook.
Okay. Let me just get this straight.
I'm gonna go away for a week.
And you're not gonna miss me at all?
Will I think of you fondly? Yes.
Will a small grin dance across my face as I look in the tub
and see some of your hairs in the drain?
Perhaps.
But am I gonna painfully long for you during your absence?
It's a big, fat no.
You know what? You are unbelievable.
How hard is it to tell your wife,
the person with whom you've spent your life,
that you are going to miss her?
Might it even occur to you to lie?
I have a commitment to the truth.
Okay, Eddie. You know what? I'm gonna go.
But know this. You are going to miss me.
It may not be today, it may not be tomorrow,
it'll probably be today.
You're gonna miss me bad! Goodbye!
Goodbye, my sweet. Goodbye, my pants!
Hello, Judge Hatchett.
Ah! This is so great.
So much better than my spring break.
All I remember was there was tequila,
a volleyball and a donkey.
Were you in Mexico?
I don't think so.
Listen, I know that you're still hurting about Doug.
But I want you to forget about men.
This is a "girls only" bonding trip.
Look out, South Beach.
The Stark ladies are off the hizzy.
Yeah. That felt wrong.
Well, you know what would feel right.
And what's that?
A margarita.
Give me your ID and I'll go get us four.
Nice try, junior.
Go get yourself a soda and go get Mommy a Mojito.
Let me guess, University of Virginia?
Excuse me?
I'm sorry. It's just a little spring break game I play.
I try to guess where all the pretty girls go to school.
I'm Joy.
Jack. Hi, Jack.
And I'm guessing poli sci major.
No, no. Wait.
That body says dance.
Double major.
Well, Joy, how would you like to protect our shores by joining the beach brigade
and helping me pick up trash?
We're starting tomorrow morning when the sun's three fingers
above the horizon.
See you at three fingers.
All right!
Okay, so that's a seven meat, three cheese. Right, gorgeous?
All right. Keep the change. Get yourself some hair gel.
Chinese food.
Oh! This is awkward.
Um...
Mario, Feng-Bai. Feng-Bai, Mario.
There you go. Okay. No fighting, you two. Okay?
* Kung Pao Chicken all night long
* Doo-dah, doo-dah
* I say, Kung Pao Chicken all night long
* Oh, the doo-dah day Hey, neighbor.
Wow, you're not wearing any pants.
Of course I'm not wearing pants.
In fact, the only reason I'm wearing boxers
is 'cause I can't find a napkin.
Wow, you've got a lot of food here.
Looks like you're not gonna need this lasagna I made you.
Need? No. Want? Yes. Thank you.
Put that right over here.
Well, with Joy gone, we thought you might need some company.
Need? No. Want? No.
Come on, Eddie. You must miss Joy a little bit.
Sometimes, I miss Steph
when her back's turned to me in bed.
It's true. I can only sleep on my left side.
My spine's pretty messed up.
All right, listen. I appreciate you guys looking out for me,
but the truth is I'm managing just fine
and I'm looking forward to having this week alone.
I'm eating what I want, I'm sleeping when I want
and I've watched so much TV
I can't even see the color blue.
It's fantastic.
Well, just so you know we're here for you.
In fact, if the weather gets better,
Jeff and I are thinking about breaking in our new picnic basket tomorrow.
Yeah. We have a secret spot,
so if you come with us, we're gonna have to blindfold you.
Yeah, well, unless that's followed by a gunshot, I wouldn't count on it.
Okay. Just think about it.
Okay, will do. Bye-bye.
All right, Nanny 911.
It's time to put little Jeremy in the naughty chair.
Uh-oh.
How am I gonna eat without TV?
Due to interrupted cable television service in the tri-state area,
we are experiencing an abnormally high call volume.
Please stay on the line and a customer service representative
will be with you in one
hundred
twelve hours.
What?
Hey, Stan, my man.
Yeah, look. I don't care what you're doing.
I got the whole house to myself,
so drop everything and get on over here.
Oh, that's terrible.
I'm sorry for your loss.
You're a pallbearer?
You're pallbearing right now.
Well, I'm surprised you picked up.
Look, it sounds like an all-day thing,
so why don't I just call you tomorrow?
Yeah, have a... Have a...
Okay.
Lot of doctors, not a lot of friends.
Here we go.
Cofeld.
Yeah, yeah. The wife's away. Come on over.
Great.
Not until 3:00?
Oh, yeah. Well...
Well, good. Good.
That'll give me some time to get some things done.
All right.
Do I know how to play baccarat?
No, I do not.
Good night, Trenton! I love you!
Not in my house! Not in my house!
Just a minute!
So no TV, huh?
This is weird.
Yeah, kinda, huh?
You know, I've never really looked at you before.
Your head would be great on a coin.
Thank you.
I never heard that before.
So, you wanna watch some... Oh, right. I can't.
Hey, I got an idea.
Hmm?
Want to see what I confiscated
from a couple of kids at school?
Oh, great. I'll grab my lighter.
No, no, no!
Not that.
Say hello to my little friends, huh?
Come on, man. We're grown men.
Does that bitch have pump action?
Cofeld.
Come out, come out, wherever you are.
Cofeld.
Cofeld?
You're still here, right?
Sayonara, sucker!
All right. Well played.
Ah, well, thank you.
And...
I wouldn't use that upstairs bathroom for quite a while.
Thank you.
You know, these really don't sting
as bad as you think they would.
Yeah, see?
Nothing. No?
No. Come closer. Okay.
Yeah, don't worry about it.
All right, all right. You ready?
Okay.
Okay, all right.
Had a little bite to it. Little bite.
But, just... You know.
Come on. Move it up.
All right.
Okay. All right, okay. All right.
Okay, good. Good.
Oh, okay. That...
That was good. Yeah.
That stung.
Great view. But don't look down at the pool.
That geezer is packing a little bit more than those Speedos can handle.
Are you ready to go? - Yeah.
And I got a surprise for you.
We're not just gonna lie out,
I signed us up to clean the beach this morning.
What?
Yeah, I thought it would be nice to make a difference.
You know, stop taking. Start giving back.
Again, what?
And why are you dressed like J.Lo?
This?
I just wanted to look nice for my baby girl.
How's the caboose?
Under control?
Yeah, mom. You have a really great ass.
All right, let's do this thing, huh?
Two girls on spring break, picking up other people's crap.
Yeah, Mom, when did you become so environmental?
I once saw you dump an old car battery in a lake.
Honey, that's what this week is about, trying new things,
getting to know each other on another level.
In fact, for the rest of the trip,
don't think of me as Mom.
I'm your friend, Joy.
A dancer from the University of Virginia.
Oh...
Experiment 39.
Cheesy choco-nachos.
Subject starting to not feel too good.
Oh!
I miss you, Joy.
There's my tiny dancer.
Oh, you.
Who is this lovely lady you've brought with you?
Well, Jack. This is Allison. Allison, this is Jack.
Jack organized this whole thing.
Nice to meet you.
Oh, that's me.
Excuse me. Could you hold that for me?
Excuse me.
Hello?
Yes, I was wondering if you can help me find a dentist in my area.
Eddie.
Joy? Oh, I...
Must have misdialed.
Oh, now that I got you, how are you?
Fine, how's your week alone going?
Fantastic.
Every moment is
filled with a new discovery.
Did you know there's a drawer under the oven?
Boy. If I didn't know better,
I'd think you were calling me because you missed me.
Thank you for bringing laughter back into my life.
Actually, I was calling to see if you could extend your trip for a few days,
because it is off the hook over here.
I thought you were calling 'cause you were trying to find a dentist.
Shut up. I don't miss you. Gotta go.
You know, I'm kind of glad it's still raining out.
Indoor picnics are way more romantic.
Mmm.
Plus, no awkward interruptions like last time.
Yeah, baby.
You know, we really should find a secret picnic spot
that's not so close to an assisted living facility.
Though, I would like to think
we gave that old bastard one last thrill.
Okay, I just spilled hummus on the floor there.
It's okay, sweetie.
You were going for something.
I know, baby,
it's a whole lot of man coming at you...
There's a whole lot of man at our door!
I'm here for the picnic!
Hey, hi!
Eddie, hey, look, I know I technically invited you to the picnic,
but it's kinda become more of an intimate affair, so you can just...
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I get it. It's a fake picnic on the rug.
How whimsical. Scooch.
Hey, honey.
Help yourself.
Well, this is nice, huh?
Did I track the hummus from outside?
No, I spilled it myself.
But thanks for really rubbing it in there. That's good.
Look at you kids. Young, in love,
going down the road of life together.
You're lucky you're not alone.
No one to talk to.
No one to share your thoughts with.
Hey, Jeffy. Yeah?
Your barn door's open.
I know it, Eddie.
I opened it.
Am I interrupting something?
Because I could just go back to my house.
Okay. Alone.
Get a glimpse of the life that awaits me as a widower.
Stephie, I want you to promise me something.
That you're gonna take these moments
to always reassure him how much he means to you.
And you, Mr. Jeffy? I want you to tell her
how much you miss her every time she walks out that door.
Because one day,
she will not be around anymore.
You hear me?
Go ahead.
Make love.
While you still have each other to make love to.
Okay, I'm gonna skedaddle.
Make love.
Looks like you got quite a haul there, Joy.
Well, yes, I did.
I got a lot, too, Jack.
I think I cleaned up an old crime scene.
Look at all this police tape.
I got an old bloody sock, Jack.
Hey! That was from my crime scene.
Well, it appears someone wasn't as thorough as they should've been.
Maybe you ladies should just work this out on your own.
Well... Okay, bye-bye, Jack.
Oh, my God, Mom. Are you flirting with him?
What?
That's crazy.
You think he likes you.
That's why we're here and that's why you're dressed
like you're in a Bollywood movie.
Uh...
Okay, maybe I was flirting a little bit.
What's wrong with that?
What's wrong is that he likes me.
And you're married. To Dad!
Oh, God. You're right.
I'm sorry, sweetie.
I guess I just went a little bit crazy.
Look at me.
I love Daddy. Of course I wasn't gonna do anything.
Honestly, it just felt good to have a little attention
from a guy with a muscle in his body.
Ah, go for it. He's all yours.
Hey there, girls.
Let me guess, University of Miami.
Hi, Jack.
Oh, my God. He flirts with everyone.
All he cares about is cleaning up the environment.
That son of a bitch.
Dear God,
it's me,
Edward.
I know we haven't spoken in a while and...
I just want to say that I'm sorry
for those terrible names I called you
when I was passing my kidney stone.
In retrospect, that must have been very hurtful.
And I'm also sorry for the bad things I said to my wife,
but you didn't have to take both her and TV from me.
To take one or the other would've been fair.
But both, quite frankly, is
showboating.
Eddie, I'm home!
Oh! Oh, did I miss you!
Look at... Come here.
Did you miss me?
Yeah.
Gracias, mi dios.